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Todd’s Story

Todd entitles the chapter in the book where he describes some of the abuse as “Everything Changes.”  And so it did. 

Once Ronald was driving Todd home from a session of autograph signings.  His car was a big Cadillac.   It had long bench seats.  The two of them were sitting kind of close to each other.  He then pulled the car over to the side of the road at one point.  It was a quiet area with no traffic.  Then, he looked at Todd with a strange intense look that Todd was beginning to recognize, from past experiences.  Todd had felt excited by all the girls at the autograph signing.  He was young and had a normal attraction to them. 

‘ ” I’m telling you, it can be the same with boys as it is with girls,” he said, watching me closely.  “If you just try it, you’ll like it.” ‘

Todd had just turned 12.  Can you imagine?  He just wanted to be home and with his mom or playing with his brother.  He didn’t quite know what Ronald was talking about.  He hadn’t been taught anything about sex.  Of course, Ronald was not talking about sex either. 

‘ “Come on, Todd,” he said, You’ll like it.  I promise” (ibid) 68.  Now remember, Todd was desperate for Ronald to stay in relationship with him.  He trusted him.  He had a felt need to keep from being abandoned by him.  In addition to filling up the dad hunger, Ronald was doing a great job as Todd’s agent.  He liked being a star.  He just couldn’t risk losing Ronald.  Ronald raped Todd orally.  He squirmed and pressed his back hard against the seat.  He also experienced what many survivors feel.  Confused.  His heart could not respond to the rape, but his body, designed by God, did.  In fact it felt so good that the seeds of his future sex addiction were sown right then and there. 

Suddenly Ronald’s smile looked different.  Todd had learned to trust this man, yet now he began becoming afraid of him. 

‘ “I want to show you that a man’s mouth can feel just the same as a woman, ” he said.  There’s no difference.” He was watching me closely.  He looked excited.  But I still couldn’t understand why, or what was happening…..Ronald put his hand over my crotch.  I squeezed by legs together and  and looked at him, still unsure” (ibid) 68.

Ronald told Todd to pull his pants down.  Afraid of losing Ronald, he did as he was told. 

Afterwards, Ronald took Todd home and left him with the classic statement to remember that this was a their own special secret.  I get so angry just reading about that.  The secrecy is of course what keeps the sexual violence going.  Evil attempts to stay hidden.  It is essentially the same thing my rapist said to me.  “Don’t tell anyone or I will kill you.”  Ronald was saying the same thing in a different way.  The spider had lured the fly into the trap.

Todd goes on to write openly and honestly about his subsequent growing up.  He writes very clearly about his drug and sex  addiction.  He understands that as a child he learned to press that pain down hard inside he heart.  The addictions were the symptoms of the pain trying to find a way out.  If Todd had not finally got help and become clean and sober, his addictions would likely have killed him.  Emotional Cancer.

Instead, he is happily married, has two children.  Praise God.  And he gives God the credit.

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