The First Aftershock…

The First  Aftershock…

I often wondered immediately after my own rape, Did this really happen?  I feel fine.  This can’t be happening to me! Everything and everyone seemed surreal for awhile.  I could not be left alone for the first two weeks after the rape.  In fact, I do not recall anything about my children-talking to them or caring for them-for days afterward.   I did not know how to take care of myself nor did I have people who knew.  When I couldn’t sleep I literally sat up wide-eyed all night in utter terror on the exact spot in the same bed where I had  just been raped, staring at the door.  I expected my attacker to return at any moment and carry out his dire threat to come back and kill me if I told.  This may seem irrational with my husband asleep near me, but there you have it.

Immediately after the rape (which happened in my home between 10:30 a.m. to about noon-ish) I ran to the neighbors, who were home sleeping during the day (they had night police jobs!).  I stood outside their door wrapped in my bathrobe, screaming and pounding hysterically.  I had left my 22 month old son alone in the house!

For days and weeks I was numb, stunned, a zombie.  I kept beating myself up about what I ‘should’ have done.  I was unable to make the smallest decision.  After two weeks I was getting the household and myself back on schedule. I began cleaning, a pattern quite common for survivors.  I could not think about eating or feeding my children.  I remember looking at a waitress in a classy restaurant and thinking she must know I was raped.  I recall tilting my head and looking at her oddly as if I were in a separate world.

I left the drapes shut.  Terrorizing images of my rapist appearing at a window with a gun frightened me.  I didn’t understand the impact of what was done to me, the ongoing damage that would happen, and desperately used childhood coping strategies to survive.

The first part of the first R of what I call the 4R’s is Ravaged~Moving Through Shock.  I would so like to be able to put everything I have written about the two parts of this step into this blog.  I hope a bit of my story gives you some idea of what it can look like.  We are all uniquely made.  Nevertheless, survivors of all ages and those of both sexes experience it to greater or lesser degrees.

 

 

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Hope comes when we realize the truth about the damage done to us and that there is something we can do about it.   There are four major steps that give direction for the Unintended Journey.  Why unintended you might ask? Our Lord did not intend for any of His creation to suffer any form of sexual assault, be it someone who is gaining pleasure undressing in front of a child to more horrific abuses than most of you will ever realize.  So to choose to step onto the Recovery Road and begin  is a courageous choice; out of our comfort zone.  The choice brings hope even though it may feel scary in the beginning.  There are stories of courageous ones who have made the choice and are delightfully surprised by the freedom, healing and hope it brings.  Some of those stories can be found on this blog and in the book.

Comments

  1. silence . . is what i feel at this moment. what can be said? and i can listen. i am now able to listen. willing to listen. that’s sort of recent . . the willing and able. before it hurt too much to hear.

    I am so so sorry. The evil of it is so big.

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