A Bit More on Date Rape

From my book:

Date rape and intoxication rape often occur together. Circumstances do not change the fact that rape is rape. Just because you are taken out to dinner does not mean you owe the man something; that would be a form of prostitution. A sincere man doesn’t take you out to get something back. If you are dating anyone who has a “you-owe-me-back” syndrome, you deserve better. There are sincere men out there. Some survivors of date rape instinctively know that to refuse could endanger them. In some cases, your submission may have been the wisest course of action because if you survive a rape you have done the right thing.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that just because you’ve known a man for years or that you’ve dated for a long time, “and this has never happened before,” changes the truth. The rapist is a rapist no matter what other conditions because of his own distorted thinking–or that of his victim. Sex is never owed to anyone. Your body is always a holy temple of God. God has given you the freedom to decide what to do with the sexual parts of your body. No one else has any right–ever–to violate your wishes. Don’t let the fact that you knew the person or chose to go on the date with him distort your thinking into blaming yourself. Do not think that because you or someone you know may fall under the date-rape category it is not as bad as stranger rape.

One of the difficult things about date rape is that the rapist may never in a million years see himself as a rapist. He actually believes he is owed sex and behaves as if that is the natural order of things, definite reflection of being immersed in rape-based culture. This type of thinking can distort law enforcement officials who may blame the victim with questions such as “you went out with him didn’t you?” As if that were a factor! I have yet to encounter anyone who is asking to be raped. Contrary to popular myth, this idea is a distortion. No one wants to be the victim of violence.

I am reminded here of an officer who came over a couple days after I was raped. Mine was no where near date rape of course, but listen to the questions he asked me; “So, do you use your swimming pool?” So, you are out in the back yard in your bathing suit?” (The primary rape suspect lived right behind me).

My yes to those answers were irrelevant. The rapist is the rapist is the rapist.

Comments

  1. Rapists and child molesters generally do not see themselves as rapists and/or child molesters. They rationalize their behavior. I heard a man who molested a little 3 or 4 girl say “she wanted it,” because she had wiggled around when sitting in his lap. A pedophile organization (NAMBLA) claims they are helping boys because unless a boy has sex with a man when he is young he may not grow up to be to a pedophile.

    More frightening is when other people including the church use rationalizations to shirk their duties to expose these lies and to provide safety for victims. Many years ago, I attended a church with 6,500 members. A woman came to me to say that her new husband (a counselor with the church) had molested her preschool daughter. I gave this information to the Pastor, asked him to investigate, and take the man out of ministry until the case resolved. The Pastor told me the bible said that a man is innocent until proven guilty and refused to take any action. Years later several members of the ministry including the Assistant Pastor were arrested for molesting boys.

  2. 2 members of ministry including the Assistant Pastor were convicted of molesting boys.

  3. Thanks Diane. The above organization NAMBLA is real and has been around for a long time! Situations like you describe are so common people would be shocked to find out the truth. I had a client once who also went to her pastor of a large church about a convicted pedophile who had served his term and was out of prison. He was a children’s Sunday school teacher. She told the pastor about him, and the pastor told her the man was cured now, he was past that! Such thinking is so prfoundly ignorant and could so easly be changed with a little bit of education. That is one of the themes in my book. Lets just allow a bit of education. And, why put any children in the path of a known, convicted molester? That is like putting a drink in front of an alcoholic. We are sacrificing our children to the Code of Silence.

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